HEADLINES DATED 1ST JAN 2023:

1. President Sonia Gandhi and prime minister Priyanka Gandhi receive Italy prime minister Rahul Gandhi.

2. Dhoom 17 ready for release.

3. I will play next world cup - Sachin Tendulkar

4. Salman, Vivek and Abhishek attend Aishwarya's 3rd marriage .

5. Abhi toh Mein jawan hoon - Dev Anand.

6. Petrol Rs.999 / litre (Bata price).

7. Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi completed 2,50,000 episodes & Baa has completed 400yrs.

8. Coach Ganguly resigns, as India is knocked out of World Cup in 1st round after losing to Korea

9. Siddhu launches his own TV channal where he can speak and laugh for the whole day.

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Legal and Logical

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and
Organization", a student goes and confronts his
lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about
the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a
professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a
question. If you can give me the correct answer, I
will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do
not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the
exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the
question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but
not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the
professor cannot give the student an answer, and
therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as
agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student
and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and
married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but
not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which
is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have
given your wife's lover an "A", although he really
should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

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How true....

1.U love sum1....U marry some1 else.
The 1 u marry....becomes ur wife or husband.
N the 1 u loved .....becomes the password of ur mail id

2.There's only 1 perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only 1 perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.

3.Three dreams of a man:
To b as handsome as his mother thinks.
To b as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...

4.Husband & wife r like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife
kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with
other kidney.

5.Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachun ko karne
deinge.

6.What's the diff between Dava &d Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date.
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.

7.Wife ko Begum q kehte hain?
qk shadi k bad sare gum to husband ke hisse me ate hain
or wife Be-Gum ho jati hay

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Engineering Girls

1.What is the beautiful girl in engg. called?
A Visitor.

2. What happens when all the engg. girls go on a trip
to the moon ?
Average beauty on the earth increases and that on the
moon decreases.

3. What happens when hundred new girls join an engg
college ?
Average beauty in the college further decreases.

4. What happens when two engg. girls meet at fashion
show?
They discuss the cause of the two smaller bugs in
software.

5. What happens when an engg. girl participates in a
fashion show?
She gets the highest score for morale boosting.

6. What happens if you present a book named "How to
fall in love" to an engg girl?
She uses it as a mouse pad.

7. When two engg girls participate in a beauty
contest, it's called a competition. When an
engg girl competes with a non engg girl, its called
overconfidence.

8. What happens when two engg girls compete for same
guy?
Some other girl will have him.

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Sex-Life Insurance

Recent studies have shown increasing demand of people not only seeking life insurance, but more specifically Sex-Life Insurance.



The insurance companies have formulated the following options:

Option 1:

If you sleep with your wife
-Legal & General

Option 2:
If you sleep with your wife in your car
- Auto & General

Option 3:
If you sleep with someone else's wife:
-Mutual & Federal

Option 4:
Sleeping with your mother-in-law
-Old Mutual

Option 5:
If you sleep with a Bushman-girl
-San-Lam

Option 6:
Sleeping with more than one person at the same time
-Prestasie or Multiplex

Option 7:
Taking advantage of the person you sleep with
-Liberty Life

Option 8:
Man sleeping with another man
-Hollard

Option 9:
Having sex on the spur of the moment
-Momentum

Option 10:
Sleeping with your ex-wife
-Outsurance

Option 11:
Sleeping with a prostitute
-Budget

Option 12:
Having sex with someone you don't even know
-Discovery

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JOB for Female Post : Associate Girl Friend ( Trainee )

There is an urgent requirement for following Position.. Please apply ASAP .
Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below.

Designation : Associate Girl Friend ( Trainee )
Experience : FRESHER (Experienced candidate strictly prohibited)
Age : only 18 to 24( higher age girl need not apply).
Should be committed to work for 24*7.
Skills Required: Good looking, Fair (bold enough to come out anytime will an added advantage )
Preference would be given to beauty contest winner.
No preference would be given to any degree/diploma.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Perks and incentives.

Total gross ( Monthly ) : 3 gifts worth 300/-

30 bike rides each duration 2 hours

20 trips to Selective place in Chennai/Banglore/Hyderabad/Mumbai/Kolkatta/NCR

10 Kulfis / Chocobars at a regular gap of 3 days

Daily Provision of Vada Pav / Samosa Pav / Pakoda worth of 5 /-

4 movies ( On choice ) per month on every weekend in PVR

Visits to Big Bazar, Life Style, Pubs and various malls.
Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to Demand

Net Deductions ( Monthly ) : Provident Fund and Service taxes to be informed on joining

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

REFERRAL BONUS WILL BE GIVEN AS PER THE POLICY / IF PERFORMANCE IS HIGH THEN WILL BE PROMOTED TO NEXT GRADE "WOODBE" AND THEN TO "WIFE" IN 2 YEARS
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

All short listed candidates will be intimated over phone.
We would appreciate if you can refer / ask more potential candidates to meet the Recruitment team at the earliest

Note : Ex-girl friends will not be eligible for any referral benefits.

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10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1 : Marriages are made in heaven, but so
again, are
thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2 : If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3 : Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at
least 100 grand!

Commandment 4 : Married life is very frustrating. In
the first year
of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In
the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.


Commandment 5 : When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or
the wife is!

Commandment 6 : Marriage is when a man and woman
become as one, the
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7 : Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night
thinking about something you said. After marriage, he
will fall
asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8 : Every man wants a wife who is
beautiful, understanding,

economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only
one wife.

Commandment 9 : Every woman wants a man who is
handsome, understanding,

economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law
allows only
one husband.

Commandment 10 : Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he
is finished.

Read rest of these entry>>>

GRE Answer in Simple Question

Thiz is Why I didnt take up GRE as yet !!


A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

************************************************** *****

NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

************************************************** *****

NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
GRE STUDENT : All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
************************************************** *****

NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

************************************************** *****

NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

************************************************** *****

NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.

************************************************** *****

NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

************************************************** *****

NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
GRE STUDENT : Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

************************************************** *****

NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

************************************************** *****

NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

************************************************** *******

NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.

************************************************** *****

NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

************************************************** *****
NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.

************************************************** *****
NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

************************************************** *****
NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

************************************************** *****
NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

__________________

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finding positive out of every negative

This is nice - finding positive out of every negative - which we don't
always manage to do. I am thankful...

1. For the husband who snores all night, because he is at home asleep
with me and not with someone else.


2. For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes,
because that means she is at home & not on the streets.


3. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.


4. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have
been surrounded by friends.


5. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have
enough to eat.


6. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the
sunshine.


7. For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning
because it means I have a home.

8. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it
means that we have freedom of speech.


9. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot
because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed
with transportation.


10. For the noise I have to bear from my neighbours because it means
that I can hear.

11. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have
clothes to wear.

12. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it
means I have been capable of working hard.


13. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it
means that I am stilll alive.

14. If the boss scold me for my mistake, I will feel happy because it means he is showing interest towards Me

Read rest of these entry>>>

Oracle's Real-Life Q & A

Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?
A. 'Parent keys not found!'

Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?
A. 'Duplicate value on index!'

Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all?
A. 'Value larger than specified precision!'


Q. What if you try to have fun with somebody else's girlfriend and
get kicked out?
A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!'

Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door?
A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved !'

Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?
A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!'

Q. What if you dial a wrong number?
A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!'

Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?
A.. 'Object is found mutating!'

Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?
A. 'Discrete transaction failed!'

Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie?
A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!'

Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room?
A. 'System out of tablespace !'

Read rest of these entry>>>

Guess The Cricket Player ........

Try to answer if u can......... based on minimum no of clues...!


Clue no: 1 - In an Historic match between India and England, he
served as a captain.....

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Clue no: 2 - He was the Opening bowler in that match....


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Clue no: 3 - He was also the Opening batsman in that match....


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Clue no: 4 - He is the one who bowled the last ball of his


innings....


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Clue no: 5 - He was the one who faced the last ball of the


innings....


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Still u didn't get it...... oops.....


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Clue no: 6 - He took the last wicket of the innings.....


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Clue no: 7 - He was the man of match in that particular match....


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Okay atleast after this easy one


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Clue no: 8 - He won the match for his team by hitting a sixer in the


last ball........ Who is HE .


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Not yet


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Okay Let us see answer....


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It is..........


Aamir Khan in Lagaan

Read rest of these entry>>>

For all the men who are interested!

How to make a woman happy


and

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:



To make a woman happy
..... A man only needs to be:

1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls ?????????

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
&
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Leave him alone

Read rest of these entry>>>

Alchoroscope

BASED ON YOUR SUN SIGNS YOUR EXPECTED BEHAVIOR AFTER YOU GET DRUNK !!

ARIES : Drinking style Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometime sdon't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk I sa good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS Drinking style Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china- shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no.. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI Drinking style Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention- spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER Drinking style Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO Drinking style Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware that they're the darling --Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who they were with :-) But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO Drinking style Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure --but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the sub genius IQ!

LIBRA Drinking style "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Frienddevice set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble --including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with every man/woman in the roomor even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO Drinking style Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them seethe sauce as something to savor in itself, and not asa personality- altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS Drinking style In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun . Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN Drinking style Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who're you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hookup with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS Drinking style Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist):Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES Drinking style If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality --with Liz Taylor, Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and windup in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know. ...

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How to put the right person in the right chair?

Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right chair? If yes, try this simple experiment.

Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING.

If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.

If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces -PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.

If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.

If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved -PUT THEM IN SALES.

If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.

If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE EXPORT.

AND last but not least..........

If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT

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How to Answer the Tough Interview Questions

A lot of people know how to write a resume and talk their way into an interview. But when they get into the make or break dialogue, they stumble upon tough questions. Below, is some advice on approaching the tough questions that interviewers like to throw at job applicants:

Why did you leave your last job?
Real answer: It sucked.
What you should say: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.

What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer: I can't concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
What you should say: I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.

You don't seem to hold on to a job long. Why should we think you'll stay here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?
Real answer: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only competent employees..
What you should say: I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
For all those of u aiming for job switches...............

How do you handle change?
Real answer: I deal with it everyday, unless I'm out of clean underwear.
What you should say: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.

How do you get along with others?
Real answer: Fine, as long as they stay out of my face.
What you should say: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the workplace can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.

What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer: It means that I don't have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.
What you should say: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.

What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.
What you should say: Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.

Do you get along with your current boss?
Real answer: I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious person he is.
What you should say: I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of a mentor to me.

Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
Real answer: I don't get angry, I get even.
What you should say: Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with co-workers.

Can I contact your references?
Real answer: Sure, but they won't know who I am.
What you should say: Some of them are out of the country right now. Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.

Read rest of these entry>>>

Tax structure in India - Funny but true!!!

Some one Help me on TAX......... .

1) Qus. : What are you doing?

Ans. : Business.

Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!

2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?

Ans. : Selling the Goods.

Tax : PAY SALES TAX!!

3) Qus. : >From where are you getting Goods?

Ans. : From other State/Abroad

Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!

4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods?

Ans. : Profit.

Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!

5) Qus. : How do you distribute profit ?

Ans : By way of dividend

Tax : Pay dividend distribution Tax

6) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?

Ans. : Factory.

Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!

7) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!

8) Qus. : Do you have Staff?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!

9) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!

Ans : No

Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax

10) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?

Ans. : Yes, for Salary.

Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!

11) Qus.: Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?

Ans. : Hotel

Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

12) Qus.: Are you going Out of Station for Business?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!

13) Qus.: Have you taken or given any Service/s?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!

14) Qus.: How come you got such a Big Amount?

Ans. : Gift on birthday.

Tax : PAY GIFT TAX!

15) Qus.: Do you have any Wealth?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX!

16) Qus.: To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?

Ans. : Cinema or Resort.

Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

17) Qus.: Have you purchased House?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !

18) Qus.: How you Travel?

Ans. : Bus

Tax : PAY SURCHARGE!

19) Qus.: Any Additional Tax?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!

20) Qus.: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY!

21) INDIAN :: can i die now??

Ans :: wait we are about to launch the funeral tax!!!

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BILL GATES OF MICROSOFT (MODIFIED VERSION OF DIL TO PAGAL HAI)

BILL TO PAGAL HAI.......
BILL DEEWANA HAI.....

ACHCHHE BURE SOFTWARES BANVATA HAIN YAHI,
HASATA HE YAHI, RULATA HAIN,
USME PHIR 'BUGS' DALTA HAIN WOHI,
AUR SOLUTIONS BHI NIKALTA HAIN,
BILL TO PAGAL HAI.......
BILL DEEWANA HAI.....

IS BILL KI BATO MEIN JO AATE HAIN,
WOTO OOLLOO BAN JATE HAIN,
SOFTWARE TO DUSARE BHI BANATE HAIN,
BANAKE MAGAR KHO JATE HAIN,
HMMM BILL TO PAGAL HAIN.......
BILL DEEWANA HAIN.....

SOFTWARES KO MAIN NA PEHCHANOONGI,
WORKING BHI NA MEIN USKA JANOONGI,
MICROSOFT KA LOGO BASS MEIN DEKHOONGI,
BILL JO KAHEGA WOHI MANOONGI.
BILL TO PAGAL HAIN.......
BILL DEEWANA HAIN.....

BILL KA KEHNA HUM SAB MAANE,
BILL NA KISI KI MAANE,
USKI STRATEGY JAAN LI HAMNE,
EK WOHI NA MAANE.
BILL TO PAGAL HAIN.......
BILL DEEWANA HAIN.....

CHHODO YE BILL SAB KAHANIYA,
BUGS KI HAIN SAB NISHANIYA,
PROGRAMMERS KI SARI PARESHANIYA,
IS BILL KI HAIN YE MEHERBANIYA.
HMMM BILL TO PAGAL HAIN BILL DEEWANA HAIN...

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Some basic facts of life which applies to the Salaried People!!!

Bank Balance
First Week : 10000
Second Week : 1000

Third Week : 100
Fourth week : 10

Conveyance
First Week : Auto ("I can afford it")
Second Week : Share Auto ("I would like to share. I am selfless!")
Third Week : Bus ("Public figures should travel by public transport")
Fourth week : Walk ("Good for health")

Girl friends
First Week : Eena, Meena, Tina ("I can BUY love")
Second Week : Meena, Tina ("I have enough girl friends")
Third Week : Tina ("I am loyal to her")
Fourth week : "Huh! There is no pure love on earth!"

Mobile Maintenance
First Week : Frequent outgoing calls ("This is what mobile is invented for")
Second Week : Restricted o! utgoing calls ("I should not create unnecessary traffic on mobile lines")
Third Week : Rare outgoing calls ("Mobile should be used in urgent situations only")
Fourth week : Only incoming calls ("I am not going to call her until she calls me")
And last....but not the least...

Boozing
First Week : "Come, let's go to Chennai and freak out!"
Second Week : "Man, there is nothing in Chennai. Let's go to pondi."
Third Week : "The best place to booze on earth is our house itself. what
say?"
Fourth week : "Drinking is injurious to health"

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Main Aur mere roommates

(Dedicated to all those who have shared an apartment.)

aksar Yeh Baatain Karte Hain...
Ghar saaf hota to kaisa hota
Main kitchen saaf karta,tum bathrooom dhote
main hall saaf karta, tum balcony dekhte


Log is baat pe hairaan hote
aur us baat pe haste....
Main aur mere roommates ,
aksar Yeh Baatain Karte Hain !!!

Yeh hara bhara sink hai
ya bartanon ki jang chidi hui hai
Yeh colour full kitchen hai
ya masalon se holi kheli hai

Hai farsh ki nayi design
ya doodh,beer se dhuli hui hain

Yeh cellphone hai ya dhakkan,
sleeping bag ya kisika aanchal,
ye airfreshner ka naya flavour hai,
ya trash bag se ati badboo
Yeh pattiyon ki hai sarsarahut
ke heater phirse kharab hua hai
Yeh sonchta hain roommate kab se gum sum -
Ke jab ke usko bhi yeh khabar hai
Ke machar nahi hai, kaheen nahi hai
magar uska dil hai ke kah raha hai
machar yaheen hai, yaheen kaheen hai !

Toand ( pet ) ki ye haalat, meri bhi hai, uski bhi,
dil mein ek tasvir idhar bhi hai, udhar bhi !!!
Karne ko bohot kuch hai magar kab kare hum
Kab tak yoon hi is tarah rahe hum
Dil kahta hai Safeway se koi vaccum cleaner la de
ye Carpet jo jine ko zoonz raha hai, fikwa de
Hum saaf rahe sakte hai, logon ko bata dain,
Haan hum roommates hai - roommates hai - roommates hai
Ab dil main yehi baaaat, idhar bhi hai udhar bhi......
Sab ko bata dain.........

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ONLY english language

Try the word "only" at every position in this sentence:



"I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME"




"ONLY, I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME"



"I, ONLY ASKED HER TO MARRY ME"



"I ASKED ONLY HER TO MARRY ME"



"I ASKED HER TO MARRY ONLY ME"



"I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME ,ONLY"

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